Dinner and Death at the Bellingham Senior Center
Discussion facilitator Cheryl Botieri shares a passage from Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) and guides response from the 20 attendees at the Senior Center’s first of three meetings on the subject of death.
By David Dunbar
Let’s talk about death (over dinner). More than just the title of a book, this is an invitation for readers to approach a sensitive subject in a setting that is safe and familiar.
Michael Hebb is the author of Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) and writes, “Given the right framing, a ‘difficult’ conversation does not need to be difficult. It can be liberating. It can even be transformative.”
At the Bellingham Senior Center last month, this book was the subject of a two-hour discussion led by Cheryl Botieri, MS, an End-of-Life Educator, Family Support Specialist, and End-of-Life Doula who provides education, guidance and support.
“My goal is to help people get information … knowledge is power, it gives us options… bringing us clarity and choice,” according to Botieri, in order to compassionately and productively initiate end-of-life conversations with family and friends.
About 20 people were in attendance for the group discussion (sign-ups were capped). “Why did you come today?” asked Botieri. Comments included “preparation,” “turning point,” and one attendee offered that a recent passing in her family turned out to be a “disaster” and another was “a success because we were prepared.” The book offers suggestions about how to be prepared.
In the U.S., 3,090,582 deaths occurred in 2023 according to government records. These include deaths caused by old age, disease, accidents, drug overdoses, and suicide.
The Massachusetts Councils on Aging (MCOA) recently launched an initiative called “Strengthening End-of-Life Conversations” with Councils on Aging/Senior Centers across the Commonwealth. And the Bellingham Senior Center is one of the first to participate.
According to Bellingham’s assistant director of the Senior Center Terri Graham, “Our session was therapeutic. It gave people a chance to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Many mentioned that they want to know how to talk to their loved ones about their wishes, so they’ll know how to honor them when the time comes. Some were very open and vulnerable, and others were reserved and quiet.”
In the book, author Michael Hebb reports that in the five years since it was published in 2018, more than 100,000 dinners have been held where strangers, friends, co-workers, and loved ones met to discuss an upcoming passing of someone.
He continues, “We are constantly seeking to be better, to do life better. We’re a culture obsessed with transformation, and yet we fail to recognize that all transformation includes death.”
“I am biased in favor to talking about death over dinner, as the dinner table is the most important crucible of culture we have as humans,” observes Hebb.
At the Bellingham Senior Center, it wasn’t dinner but lunch (generously provided to attendees for free by The Enclave of Franklin Assisted Living). Botieri was sharing ideas from the book while folks ate. “We’re talking about death, but really, we’re talking about living! I encourage you to think about what matters most to you.”
As she talked, words that came to mind for attendees included “hope,” “permission,” “finding out,” “share,” “appreciation,” and there were lots of smiles and nodding.
Much of the book was devoted to a section entitled The Prompts (conversation starters). There are 22 questions you could ask to start a conversation. They included “If you had only 30 days left to live, how would you spend them,” “Why don’t we talk about death?” “Do you believe in an afterlife?” “How long should we grieve?” “What does a good death look like?” “Would you ever consider doctor-assisted suicide?” and “What song would you want played at your funeral?”.
To that last Prompt, one attendee smiled and offered “We gotta get out of this place” recorded in 1965 by the Animals.
There are two more book discussions planned: on January 14, the book to be focused on will be Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End by Atul Gawande, and on March 11, the book A Beginners Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death by BJ Miller, MD, and Shoshana Berger will be used.
After the first meeting last month, attendees reported in their evaluations that they were “very satisfied” according to Senior Center Director Josie Dutil. “Our meeting was phenomenal, heart-warming,” said Dutil. “We’re excited that people are open to having these kinds of conversations.”
For more about all this, check out https://deathoverdinner.org/#about that sparked the book Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) and https://theconversationproject.org/ which has tools and guides to help you have a conversation about death. If you’d like to reach out to Cheryl Botieri, you can contact her at [email protected].
